WHAT DOES TENNIS MEAN ON MY DEEPEST INNER?. RUN FORREST RUN!!!

Dear reader, the next words that I am going to write on below is not going to demand you that make an exercise of understanding, simply try to sail through of them placing about yourself a little bit of perception and some piece of empathy ( Concept that can be searching on an article that wrote long time ago where explained that the differences variations of empathy that could be able to have in). Maybe, who could are more ready to understand the next words will be that humans who I was luck to cohabitate with them on the residential EL ROMERAL (Navalagamella, Madrid) or from my small hamlet, (Valvieja, Ayllón, Segovia) and my tennis coach on our period on VIRGEN DEL PUERTO (nowadays is known as Madrid Río, Madrid) and after in the Casa de Campo (a Public park – forest, Madrid), that all them were witness about that tennis means on my inner.

Right, let´s start for the beginning, El Romeral has two communal tennis courts over two different levels of standing over the land, the court on the below level, has a thick wall on your left side where you can practice by yourself, also over that wall, on the top, is the swimming pool, well, on the left of the swimming pool has a path that drive you down to the village (about 20 min by walking to go in, because on the back way is a good ramp, love it!!, lol ), on the right there is a big extension of field with a main road in the middle that drive you to other villages, so the shape of the courts are as two cages, like some of tennis public usually are on, but the difference is that on that field, about 5 – 6 milles away there is a training ground from wehre the army made their practices, that usually if used my intelligence and spread out my senses to exhorbitant levels could calculate when they could go there to make their practices, and even also make the difference with the noise of the the hunters, as the rest around of that is considered as a hunting ground as well.

I usually lived in Madrid city, but when were going there on weekends, bank holidays, holidays,..etc.., usually about 7:45am were on courts or other about 9:00am, but when we are not on court, walking through of field a huge distance between the El Romeral (Navalagamella) to the swamp at Cerro de Alarcón (Valdemorillo) and come back of course, about 11:00am would be back for the residential (Obviously sometimes when felt too much noise, avoid to go there). I say that because right now I can say super proud of me:

” Carlos, you swap to suffer a lot on silence with it to live with it “,  two words exchanged, SUFFER for LIVING!!!! What a change from then!!! Very few human being could say loud out, I am a free human being!!! all is in our inner!!!.

THE SAFETY AREA ON THE TENNIS CAGE VS DISTRESS ON THAT FIELD.

When we are walking through of the field on times (early mornings) where knew that noise can be appear on the skyline, created in all my body a huge change that just myself was able to notice that, so for that reason I have never wanted to use on my hand the typical wood stick (rarely), as needed to feel loosing all my body, well then had my feelings in a fighting without breaking in, because for a side was the fact to be in the nature, breath a different type of air, however for other side, it exactly was the fact that it was never being complete, as the noises (shots) that could came from the army (Guardia Civil) as from the hunters created on me a big suffering on.

” Where does hypersensitivity (Phobia as have always called it) come from?…. a long way from I was a baby, which are the sum of different facts lived on, but is not the focus now, simply want to express why the tennis is on me. “

But then if I was in the field, that is something open in infinity milles around of you, but in addition have two residential tennis courts next to them, Which was the difference between to be literally in the field or just to be on the tennis court?, easy answer, the PROUD and the personal RESISTANCE, where in some moments start to develop a brutal level of empathy (Feeling of presence and consciousness about every movement around of me) when the fact happened on court playing with someone (the noise appeared on).

* Sometimes the noise didn´t come from the army or the hunters, just it appears from any celebration on the village down the road (Fireworks), on the pool with balloons or other houses celebrations (Fireworks, firecrackers).

Two expressions was sharpen on my inner from my father, my friends and my coach:

” CARLOS, DON´T RUN AWAY, WAIT!!!, IF YOU LOVE THAT DON´T RUN AWAY, DON´T LET THAT THE NOISE THAT IS COMING FROM ANYWEHERE PUSH YOU TO LEAVE FROM PRACTICING THAT YOU LOVE IT, DON´T RUN AWAY PLEASE “……

” CARLOS, DON´T RUN AWAY, HOLD ON, YOU CAN´T LEAVE TO THE PEOPLE LIKE THAT, (WERE 4 DOUBLES, O SINGLES SOMETIMES), DON´T RUN AWAY!!!!, IT IS JUST NOISE, THAT IS ALL, DON´T RUN PLEASE…. “….

Well, what did it happen then?. or better question, what kind of answers was I going to give them with respect to their expressions?.

Right, here is where the cage of tennis went to the action, the tennis was my cage, because every day that was on court, took the challenge to answer to myself the next question, HOW MANY MINUTES, ARE YOU (CARLOS) GOING TO BEAR ON COURT?. Doesn´t matter, it was on the countryside, or about Virgen the Puerto (Every Friday at the evening, so it was more painful on me) during 6 years.  So, there was days that it was 20 seconds, other 30 seconds, other 50 seconds, other 60 seconds, other 1minute, other 5 minutes,….45 minutes and some occasion very weird got to be there all the game, it means that every instant that got to keep there longer it was a gift (Obviously my concentration and focus of attention was being disrupted, but had a nice double edge weapon…), a fact to feel proud about myself, because the loneliness was my unique friend, because I couldn´t feel that anyone understood me, even still less when the only human that felt that could understand me, when I had 16 years old, she death in a tragic accident, on that moment my life changed, took seriously the fact to search for answers in myself, and even if it is worth to live, the word suicide was on my mind (17 years old) but it never got to be on frame enough. 

However every friday on my lessons, or during the weekends,..and etc.. that had the chance to be in a tennis court, it was my space of freedom, even to find new skills about my person or simple grab small holes where it looked like that  could trust on myself, it means that every time that had the chance to be in a tennis court, it was as throw way all the spectres, sometimes on my Friday lessons at Virgen del Puerto, it was literal, because pursued me from the school to my tennis facilities, but I got that the staff don´t let to the access them although for a couple of minutes kept from outside next to my court, till finally my coach said them, please go out.

On festival periods or christmas times it was more painful for me, if during ordinary period, although was appearing or maybe weren´t on the skyline, in whatever way if it was already getting dark or simply dark, then pushing me to be in a total alert state (On terms of Psychologicals have given me some terms that very few human beings think that must have on). Ok, dear reader, once that have all the stages on your mind, right?. a field of a huge extension involves between the army and the hunters, two tennis courts or the tennis court was in Navalagamella, or in Madrid city beginning for the Ermita del santo, Virgen del Puerto or other location where I went alone but also sometimes played with any friend, and diferents periods of the year, festivals, Christmas times, or in London for example as well, that Bonfire Week, that usually grab it two weeks early with halloween and the rest; then now it is time to move to my parallelism with FORREST GUMP!!!!  it means, what did i do after of that seconds that have commented on the paragraph before?.

Simple answer, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN AND RUN, without looking back, throw away the racket and RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, and RUN. If was in Virgen del Puerto, sometimes to the own dressing room, get to calm, maybe come back again to the court, but depended of multple factors, but the human and my coach was basic, to return back very offten, and get distrated from the noises, other times RUN to the first local close (Sadly a fucking burger king) or others was a little far, to the Principe Pío station, because didn´t have the underground close, sometimes all the ramp to the Plaza Mayor, (La Latina station) or Puerta de Toledo station, or sometimes cross the bridge to Paseo de Extremadura station.

When it was on my second countryside, if was on tennis court or were down in the village just on the court wall (frontón) or even playing futsal, if the noise came, was through away my belongings, and RUN, RUN, RUN AND RUN AGAIN….without looking back, if was on the down village had two ways to go back as said before or was running crossing over the field even taking the main road, so took a high risk have to get through with the cars, or just went for the path road between the stones, it was a running without any direction at all, but sometimes was go directly at home, so I hidden myself or just in the area far away from the basement, or just go up to my room, close all the blinds down, leaving the room on dark, and then curled up all my body, between the wardrobe and the bed, or even inside of the wardrobe, but many times directly streching down of the bed, like was a dog or a spider. (My walkman and headphones in a high volumen to avoid to listen the external noise from the skyline).

* RIGHT NOW HATE THE HEADPHONES, PRACTICALLY I DON´T WANT TO LISTEN ANYTHING WITH THE HEADPHONES ON, I CAN´T USE ANYMORE, PREFER USE A SIMPLE SPEAKER. AS IN THE LIFE WANT TO BE PRESENT!!!.

A important fact that happened on that second countryside, is that about half and hour later on, if have been playing or walking with my friends, then some of them, appeared for my home or about the corner where I could be, to bring back my belongings, usually my racket, give me some of calm, even could be finishing it playing a table football or ping – pong….. here specially throw of two friends got deep about some altruist values, as the generosity, the empathy, even a feeling emotional of being worry for an external human, and the fact to create a cohesion where the egos weren´t the center of the action (one of them was a football player in lower categories of the Atlético de Madrid, so as it got to distract me, remind insist him many times to teach small tricks that still remind on my mind, and from some more friend of that period, other details as well ).

Ah, dear reader and if the noise appeared while I was on the field, fortunately know the space, then, left the group, and RUNNING BACK, RUN, RUN AND RUN, to get close to the field earth soccer that was in front of the residential, once there, had the habit to place my person on the middle one before go home straight away, many times even when the rest of the people was in their nap times, for a simple fact, to be able to feel a field completely openning without building around, and be able to remove out a little bit of choking feeling that had, it was a self gift, my moment.  (Had do it, at Villanueva de La Cañada, after of my psychologic sessions, the own UAX, the parking of the Aquopolis, or any area of field or park around to reflection on peace about the job done that day).

But if it was on my small Hamlet, here we don´t have a tennis court, but there is a small court wall (Frontón), also it is a very peaceful place, pure silence, but in the peak season always there are details that place my body in alert state very opposite than usual, although recognise that I haven´t gone practically to any festival from the closest villages to mine so had great benefits as well, but when the festival was hold on my hamlet, although was the stage over the court wall, but to be between that playing with the ball or simply making the fool around was a good distraction on my person….. but what is going happen during the nights festivals?.

Look, during the old time years (first years of my childhood) the stage wasn´t place on the court wall, it was placed on the square, so means, just in front of my grandparents house, so all the firecrackers, fireworks was going to happen in front of me, or better said literally about our roof, the tiles was always flying for the air to everywhere, so my person had two choices, oh well, spent many hours beneath of the bed, so no one was able to take me from there, or just running away through of the darkness of the night so far away from the hamlet, it happened as well many times, in some occasions my uncles took me to be next to the cementery (although can sound terrorific, really it is outside of the hamlet, a little bit away but still you have consciouness of the land with a little light on, so had its own sense) or others time we go to the closest villages to us, but could spend many hours till I was leaving from the underneath of the bed.

* Here must recognised that with the rest of firecrackers from VALENCIA that haven´t used with my pshychologist, repetead the scene with some friends of there, making that is known as SHOCK THERAPHY…. sincerely both times works in its own percentages, but behind there is a tremendous job done, during years with theirs different phases, so the knowledge, wisdom and consciousness haven´t done other thing that grow up…”

But when I was already a teenager or a pre-adult, what was going to happen independently where I was, so if it was in Madrid, or in the second countryside or in my own hamlet?.  Exactly the reaction against the noises was the same that have said up, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN AND RUN, till to find the most dark places, it could be the underground when was in the city would much better, or looking for the deep area of a restaurant (usually the toilets), a building with darkness areas (corners), or simply, RUN, RUN, RUN AND RUN till get at home or just to feel that I was the most far away possible, so was looking the most darkness area and a minimum exhibition to the external environment, as said, it usually were the toilets, or in my room, all on darkness and placing underneath of the bed.

CONCLUSION.

PSYCHOLOGY, TENNIS, THE LIFE,…. two questions:

1. WHAT THE TENNIS MEANS ON MY PERSON?

Let me to say you, dear reader, that whatever human being that has a minimum of intelligence, should know to respond both questions through of each word that have read previously on that article, it means that the answers are already there, but in the same way, let me as well that I give you a little bit of clarity on.

The tennis have been on my person from I was a baby, it came a very nature way as you can understand my engine of that was so far away from whatever kind of comercial marketing that was taking a disagreable weight in the sports’s world in general. The tennis have been a great support of my personal salvation, a world that, once I was playing on the tennis court, loved to play on barefoot, got easy to place my brain in beauties pointless areas of distraction from the noises as also have an unique skill to endure all kind of blows,(” Capacidad de resistir cualquier tipo de hostias), meanst to get a level of suffering that nobody is able to resist on whatever kind of context that they are, but even other curious point is about the kind of climatology that I have in front of me, sincerely my body don´t care about it, means doesn´t matter it outside is doing 45º, 30º, 20º, 7º, 0º, -10º…., because many times to avoid the noises or wanted to reduce the exhibition with them, or even simply to get a connection with the tennis in a deepest way, had to go on court in opposite hours than the flock of sheeps usually made or even maybe still doing (Sometimes felt bad if these friends come on, because after they were being reprimanded for my fault, here develop other value). 

The tennis is the whole definition of my life, the photography which studied in its moment, was and still is a sense of consciesness between two points that is really authentic ( it will keep in your brain) and the other side is all fake or simply noise, whatever will built different kind of dangerous attachaments (” APEGOS “), the tennis (Many times jump to others sports as well) was a big justification to avoid to go to places that I have previously checked if could have to face up with any kind of hypersensibility, so if could use the escuse to keep closes at home with everything on dark, then I did that.

* Right now, I don´t want the darknes, I don´t want courtains in the window and who spend the maximum time possible in outdoor places, feel a total nature light on, means keep always on the nature light.

2. WHY DO I NEVER LIKE TO COMPETE BUT IN OPPOSITE I LOVE TO BE FOCUS ON AN ALTRUIST COACHING WAY?.

Simple, THE PERMANENT fact of JUDGEMENT to others, as had a feeling to have to be the whole time to justify everything movement or action, means, the fact that the humans beings was wasting a long time to make questions instead of spending the time seeking the answers, so think that it is the most honest way to live on every instant of our lifes. So I felt so tough to be judged the whole time while contemplated that nobody moved any fingers to know who you are, the most tough is when you get to be 17 – 18 years old (depending from some context it could be earlier), for the society you are not who you are, you are that others are thinking about you and that you are getting on that moment (your studies,..etc..), but insist never who you are, because are never look after for the inners of the other ones, for that reason have been many times so contudent with some way of evaluations on tennis and about the own life by itself, as ” 5 min test, video 8 mins testing for….etc… “,  facts that we will never see the real face that a human being is, because just we saw the face that you want to see, so can start to pray that it is not being contaminated for the own armour that many of human dress on, a type of  subjectivity so I can´t admit at all, always it is respectable but never must be admited as the PROOF!!!.  (on cases far away from any routine much more reasons to grab in!).

Dear reader, if you are on that point thank you very much, as has been able to read on the whole artilce, once that have lived everything that have lived on my life, or better said the unlimited things that had to endure practically on the most brutal silence, but a position, a staring to unlimited spacial points, and answer to run without looking back, just RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, as FORREST GUMP in the movie, running away from everyone and everything, even also sit down on the other corner of the bench to don´t disturb to anyone, so that made on my inner, to look everything with a point of compasion, level emotional, inner development, consciusness in the impacts, from a point of view the most deepest human area, where is as natural as weird, as truth as dark for the untypical way to move on the life, so I make about it three define facts about my person:

1. I can´t damage to anyone, have suffering too much, that just I want to make everything so easier for everyone, leave my fuel there although wasn´t receinving back the same, as would be tough in my person to feel that haven´t give everything that I could give out or to see someone damaged or frustated and don´t do anything, obviously it would be most painful if was the responsible one.

2. I delivery a lot of values and look after to the rest in contrast about that I am giving myself. I am not working being other one or covering behind of armour, it is long time ago that it was left back long time ago, I brought everything that was teaching and also all that have learned through of the time, as my grandma said, ” Carlos have to be a good guy out there….”, so the altruist need to help others, means to bring others that need on that moment, I have always available my hands on extension and my knees placed on the bend down to bring back everything that have been able to go over it, as it is a way, where don´t leave inside of me all my suffering lived, as the job that was done and of course the human rock that I am right now to whatever type of issue that I have to face up, thanks to the perseverance and a wonderful job that never have a ending on.

3. The frustations, fears, reactions,…etc. that others are suffering in their inners and that try to use the sport, the music, the books, the travel…. so that tools as a way to express out their own identities are unworked, so for example in a sport as the tennis, is a common bread on every day, said ” On that level is not healthy to practices sports “, however my psychological exhibition talk me that can´t be agree with it, for it born Hiddentennis, to help to bring consciouness, swap definitions of the contexts and show that the tennis can play or compete in a freedom way that let to place your level up while fixing small points that I at least can be able to see clearly, far away from common points of impact, detail that in terms physiologicals is useful as well. ” Support, Teaching, learning, listening, shoulder by shoulder from the best, like have gone doing…without looking for the categories…but where all is chain a same pattern to help each other..”

Dear there, to finish that too long article, as you have could read, and hope so that have been able to explain properly, right now apart from have created on you an ocean full of emotions, you can understand by yourself, as the tennis is on my blood, that means innerly the tennis on my inner, a hard and solid job that there is done behind of me, and even the way as human (nature) that live in every moment of my journey that is always keeping it with a brilliant mood, clean, happy and full of enthusiasm, but about all in a honest behaviour to everyone, offering out everything that is on my management.

SINCERELY,

ALWAYS PURE TENNIS!!!

FDO. CARLOS AZUARA.